At least he got to do what he loved for a fine living

My whole life is a lie. I regret everything and I’m powerless to speak the truth. The cosmos always surprises us with its cruelty and emptiness. And look at you, wasting your best years scrubbing chicken ovens and cry-wanking the pain away cos you’re too defeated by shortarsedness to believe you could make your life better.

I’ve only just seen this. Why exactly is your whole life a lie and one big regret? What truth? I know I’m wasting my prime days in this dead end job but I’m afraid of change, trying to search for a “better” job is too scary. I’m dead set in the job i have I think. It’s not even that unbearable.

I managed to avoid all the usual compulsory phone calls and bullshit with family and friends

I wonder what that person is doing right now. Where are these people now? Once they are dead, you can go anywhere on earth and you’ll never find them. They don’t exist anymore, and if they weren’t famous nobody would even know they were once here except less than the 0.000001 percent of the human population who knew them when they were alive.

And I know I could take proactive steps to make my life better same as you could. Would it be fair to say that what you said about my shortarsedness could apply to you with respect to your baldness?

Is all of what really about my dad? That happening probably made me, I can’t think of the words to describe it, maybe more aware of how much people take the people they care about for granted. I’m here today, typing this, later on today I could be gone and I’ll just be a memory to the few people who know me until they’re all dead and then it’ll be like I was never even here. obviously that’s the case with just about everyone who’s alive in the present moment and the billions and billions who were here in the past.

“Please don’t empty my bank account Tracy. I won’t be able to pay my rent, I’ll be evicted and kicked out on the streets and will have to scavenge dirty food from the skips”

It is sad to watch these old movies and think to yourself “I wonder if he’s still alive anymore

?? Nope I’m not dead. I haven’t logged into this blog since before Christmas day 2016. I don’t know why but I felt like I wanted to take a break. Have you thought about me since we last spoke? When you’ve seen the day through and night falls and you’re alone with your own mind? Obviously you have and if you were that concerned about my status you have my number and email, you could have tried to get in touch.

How was Christmas for you? Did you enjoy yourself, or see family/friends you have not seen for a while maybe? Or did you have a similar day as me; having to pretend you were enjoying yourself and smile for the audience when you opened your presents, and sigh when thumbing through the TV mag at how crap the typical xmas day TV is?

If you had been dead, I wouldn’t risk trying to get in contact in case I got implicated in your suicide.

Just the perfunctory gift opening and parents nagging that there isn’t more joy and ceremony to it all. Even spent new years eve alone – Bliss.

I suppose Christmas is a chance for you to have a brief respite from dwelling on your shortarsedness. Still, back to wretched normality now. If only you were tall like Calum Best – The tarts in the Big Brother house are round him like flies around dogshit.